Not sheepish, but individ-ewe-al
2017-07-25 03:29 pm (UTC)
Thank you, this is really thought-provoking. I think to some extent you're ranting at someone other than me; I don't need to be convinced that poly people can get married, since I
married. I definitely understand closed relationships of more than two people as poly, and I shouldn't have used language that excluded that relationship style.
I don't think it's wrong to want commitment. I mean, my other significant others have family level commitments to eachother – they too are married – and to their children, and to their oldest's father. And we all have serious and lasting attachments to our families of origin and to partners outside the quad. This is not exclusively a poly thing; people marry parents all the time and recognize that they have un unbreakable commitment to existing offspring, and it's absolutely normal in mono culture that when people get married they retain a bond to their parents and birth family. Just that when two otherwise single people agree to get married (whether they are philosophically poly or mono), it's primarily a decision that the two of them make.
In my case, I feel I need to look beyond the emotional desire to keep these people in my life forever because I love them very much, precisely because they have existing committed relationships. I'm also open to the possibility that other deeply committed relationships may arise in the future, for me or for my partners. I don't think that's because I'm against commitment! I'm not a relationship anarchist, though again, that's a valid style of poly.
I am trying to guard against wanting everything to stay the same. I think that's a bad idea for mono couples as well, people don't have the same relationship after decades of marriage as they do when they get engaged, even if the relationship involves the same two individuals. I believe it's possible to have real meaningful commitments while also being open to change, and that's my aspiration.
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