Livre d'Or

Interesting: both questions are well worth a bit of self-examination and an answer from all of us. Whether the answers are interesting is another question entirely, but here goes...

What makes you dislike the people you dislike?

You have to work at it to be disliked by the common-or-garden hairyears. When you're small, hairy and venomous (or, less flippantly, when you have a badly-formed personality that isn't quite as well-socialised as it superficially seems, sufficiently so that it arouses unease or subconscious aversion in a high proportion of all the people you meet) you can't afford to dislike others just because they dislike you.

Malice will do it, every time: a passive satisfaction or an actively-sought pleasure in hurting others - dislike doesn't begin to describe how I feel about such people. Or groups: there are some dysfunctional communities who are defined by such behaviours towards 'outsiders' or internally-directed malice in a 'pecking-order' structure.

Thus, it is inconceivable that I would form a relationship with someone who is unpleasant to others but not to me: I can all too easily see the consequences of a change in whatever switch or flag it is that makes me special in their eyes.

Paradoxically, my behaviour toward such people is characterised by unfailing courtesy - indeed, I take far more care over the outward forms of civility with people I dislike than I do with my closest friends. I'll let you work out the reasons.

An urge to manipulate is a lesser evil, but it is nevertheless a relationship-killer. It implies a contempt for one's fellow humans, a utilitarian view of them as objects to be steered towards one's own goals, rather than as friends to be supported in their own desires and aims.

Women (and men!) who manipulate me - or others - by their sexuality, because it's amusing and they can or in order to validate themselves, or demonstrate superiority, are very much to be disliked... Except that, over the years, I've come to realise that this is an instinctive behaviour and my problem with it is exactly that: my problem. Men are simple creatures and a short skirt and a right smile means that I will do whatever someone asks, until I snap out of it, and it doesn't even make me angry unless they make a point of it to demonstrate some kind of humiliating superiority... But it's an interesting paradox that the most effective way of getting my attention is all but guaranteed to kill a relationship within ten minutes of a conversation starting.

What else?

All attempts at manipulation by guilt flip the spiritual thermostat in me to 'cold and mechanical' - I run out of human warmth all too quickly and, while it is possible to engage my sympathy, I dislike all those who call upon too much of a decidedly limited supply.

This latter trait is a personality defect; with the exception of malice and manipulation, it is wrong to dislike people for being as they are, and doubly so to dislike them because they are demanding of one's sympathy.

'Deserving' of it is a question that I do not examine. Who am I to know what is avoidable, and what has been 'brought upon themselves'?

Beyond that, there is little 'dislike' in me; as I said, people are as they are and a willingness to accommodate and adapt to them is an essential trait in any member of a herd species with a decidedly non-standard personality. I don't dislike others who are unable or unwilling to adapt and accommodate themselves to me but, of necessity, there is no possibility that I and they could come together in a mutually-rewarding relationship.

Which brings us to the second question: What do you want in a relationship?

However, I seem to be pushing the word-limit for an LJ comment...