State of the Liv

[liv]

As posted under lock, my mother died on 11 March. She had been seriously ill for a long time, but on a level where she was able to power through with her considerable willpower. And then she more or less speed-ran the last stages of illness and decline in just a few weeks. She had the sort of funeral that you earn by being deeply involved in all aspects of the community, and then my family sat shiva to a greater or lesser degree. Being a rab student meant that I was encouraged and supported to actually sit through the full thing, I put my life on hold and more or less stayed in my parents' home for the week.

There was a weekend in between and I went back to college, which is full of people who are professionally experienced at looking after bereaved people. My extremely wonderful partners arranged for me to join morning prayers on Zoom for every day of the 30 when I didn't have access to in-person services. I would definitely never pressure anyone to say Kaddish every day but I found it really helpful. By the last week I realized I was starting to think creatively about the little services, and how to engage the kind people who showed up to help me through the mourning ritual.

The traditional 30 days of intense mourning for a parent ended precisely on the eve of Passover. My siblings had agreed that we wanted to have as close as possible to the kind of family Pesach we have always had with Mum. I was very afraid of trying to do this, both practically and emotionally. But actually P'tite Soeur took over the project management, something she is very good at, and we shared out the cooking between us. And we compromised by not inviting anyone beyond immediate family, so we were 15 around the Seder table rather than 20 or more. Thuggish Poet lead the service, and took the radical step of reading excerpts from the actual story in Exodus, but with a recognizable rabbinic Seder structure as well. I found it really hard, probably more than the funeral in some ways, but I'm also really proud of how well we managed.

I didn't have time to be overwhelmed by that, because I had signed up to lead both the first day of Passover morning service, and the community Seder, at a community in North London. jack made this possible practically by driving me down from Cambridge in the morning so I actually got eight hours sleep between our Seder and a fairly intense professional gig. It wasn't ideal to lead a complex service as my first introduction to a new community, but on the other hand only the real keenies show up first day Pesach. I came back to the flat in the afternoon and more or less stared at walls for a few hours, with supportive hugs and cups of tea from jack, and then lead a very successful community Seder for about 80. They came from a very wide range of backgrounds with different expectations of what a Seder should be, but I think they mostly liked me.

Partly because of my recent bereavement, but mainly because of extremely awkward timing with Easter, I didn't manage to run a second Seder with family of choice this year, and I was a bit sad about that, but it was quite nice to have a relaxed week once the first intense day was past. Since then I've been getting stuck into my course again, and doing more community work and generally continuing like before but more sad.

My next big thing is that college are insisting we absolutely have to spend the summer in Israel. I don't want to, mainly because I don't think it's ethical, partly because I'm not convinced it's safe, and a small amount because I just don't want to be away from my people for several weeks, especially not far enough away that the only way to get home is several hours' flight. After much soul-searching I've come to the conclusion that I don't want to burn the amount of goodwill it would take to refuse to go. So I'm going to spend a few weeks studying at the pluralist yeshiva, Pardes. I think the actual studying will be great, even if I don't want to be there.

If you want to tell me I'm a horrible person for allowing myself to be pressured into going, well, you're probably right. If you want to be helpful, please recommend me good resources for working on my modern Hebrew over the next couple of months. I know about Duolingo and will probably put in a little bit of graft there, but ideally I want to listen to and read Hebrew media. At the moment I'm putting on Kan Bet (Hebrew language talk radio, I think more or less equivalent to Radio 4) in the background, and it is definitely helping with immersion, but I could do with something more interesting, basically. Indie radio or podcasts or a series or something. My language skills are at a rather awkward level; I am not a beginner and my strong classical Hebrew helps quite a lot, but I can't exactly follow spoken Hebrew at natural pace, I can sometimes get the gist depending on the topic and the accent of the speaker. So I think that means I'm at a level where I will get better with just lots of exposure, but any more structured recommendations would be welcome.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

I don't think you're horrible - I just think you're in an impossible position that you shouldn't have been put in.

[conuly]

If you want to tell me I'm a horrible person for allowing myself to be pressured into going, well, you're probably right.

You're not. You cannot fight everything all the time, and right now wouldn't be the time for this fight even if you could. Nobody can ask you to spend your energy on this given your recent loss, and you shouldn't ask yourself to do it either. (Edit: To be very clear, even without that context you wouldn't be a horrible person, because you still can't fight everything all the time.)

[adrian_turtle]

You're not a horrible person. There are people I think ill of in this, starting with your college being so inflexible about insisting that you go. You're making the best of a bad situation, because you think you can do more good by completing this course than by walking away from it.

[lokifan]

You're not a horrible person. There are people I think ill of in this, starting with your college being so inflexible about insisting that you go. You're making the best of a bad situation

Exactly.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

[redbird]

You are not a horrible person.

I have neither advice nor suggestions, but a great deal of sympathy about both of the practical issues--is it safe? and being away from your people now, and for that long.

[meowmensteen]

Sorry for your loss.

Hopefully the trip will be enjoyable and useful despite your misgivings.

[princessofgeeks]

I am so sorry for you loss.

Wishing you all the best as your studies continue and hoping that your time in Israel is without incident for you personally.

[bearshorty]

I am very sorry for your loss. May your mother's memory be a blessing.

[matsushima]

First off, I'm very sorry for your loss.

I don't think you're horrible. Your school shouldn't put you in a position where you have to make that kind of choice. It's one thing to offer the option of studying in Israel, it's another to insist that everyone must spend the summer in Israel.

[vyvyanx]

I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't think you're horrible. I hope your stay in Israel goes OK.

[rysmiel]

You are not a horrible person, finitude is not culpability and I am entirely with your choices as to where you have put your energy recently. *hug* This is a horrible position for them to put you in and I do hope you get through it all OK, I will be thinking of you.

[shreena]

Ah you're not a horrible person - we all just do our best to make the right choices for the context we are in.

[purplecthulhu]

Very sorry to hear this! My thoughts to you and the rest of your family.

[kiya]

May her memory be a blessing.

And may your travels be as fruitful as you can make them, and as safe as possible.

[skibbley]

Sorry to hear of your loss.
May your travels bring good things.

[doseybat]

Thank you for the update. Additional vote for not horrible. Happy to come over to the North East London some time.

[smhwpf]

Glad you had a meaningful mourning period and Pesach.

I certainly don't think you're a horrible person - very bad that the college insists everyone spends a summer in Israel. But if you have to go, there are so many groups over there doing good work, I'm sure you know of most of them, so hopefully you can take the opportunity, in what ever ways feel most valuable and safe.

[pameladean]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

If anybody is being horrible, it's the college. I suppose they have their reasons. I'm sorry you had to make a decision like this and wish you smoothness and good outcomes.

P.

[raven]

I’m really sorry for your loss. On the Hebrew, what about fanfic and podfic in fandoms you know- maybe worth trawling through the language filter on the AO3?

[lokifan]

I don't know anything about Hebrew, but as a language teacher I'd suggest Hebrew Youtube (and Tiktok if it lets you change the playback speed like Youtube does) and perhaps TV/films in Hebrew with Hebrew subtitles. Unfortunately can't rec anything specific!

[cesy]

Sorry for your loss

[silveradept]

I don't think of you as a terrible person when you are given the option of going somewhere potentially unsafe and not great or not being able to complete a rabbinical course of study. We hope for a safe trip and that you get good studies out of it, but also that people listen and think harder about requiring that trip in the future.

[rosefox]

May your mother's memory be a blessing and a comfort to you and all who miss her.

I certainly don't think you're a horrible person. You're faced with a difficult choice in a difficult time, and choosing to play the long game. I think it would be unethical to jaunt to Israel for some fun tourism, but I'm certain you'll make the best use of your time there to pursue peace and justice, whether that's by doing direct activism or focusing on the studies that will give you the rabbinic title that gives you more cred when you speak out. There may be people who will only listen to you once you can say you've been to Israel and seen how things are for yourself; there may be important connections you can make with activists there. I'd say you're making the right call.

[hairyears]

The ability to good in the World, and to support others who do far better, comes at the costs of engaging with with the World and making compromises.

I would know.

If anyone calls you 'horrible' for that, it's tempting to ask what good their own asceticism and moral purity is doing in the world.

Tempting, but best left well alone.


Meanwhile, I fear that the good in Israel is failing, and that the destruction has much further to go: be sure to find some of the good and bring it home!

[pseudomonas]

I still hold out hope that they'll reconsider the coercion to travel, especially in the light of news the last couple of days.

[graydon2]

Deepest condolences. I'm glad it was quick.