Livre d'Or

May your mother's memory be a blessing and a comfort to you and all who miss her.

I certainly don't think you're a horrible person. You're faced with a difficult choice in a difficult time, and choosing to play the long game. I think it would be unethical to jaunt to Israel for some fun tourism, but I'm certain you'll make the best use of your time there to pursue peace and justice, whether that's by doing direct activism or focusing on the studies that will give you the rabbinic title that gives you more cred when you speak out. There may be people who will only listen to you once you can say you've been to Israel and seen how things are for yourself; there may be important connections you can make with activists there. I'd say you're making the right call.