Livre d'Or

Sympathy. FWIW, I don't think it matters that you didn't go: you had a fun time elsewhere and can always go another year if you still want to. And you presumably wanted to think it through yourself than to solicit reassurances. But FWIW, I want to try to persuade you that it would be fine to go, while in no way invalidating your introspection about self-identity.

Partly it's that I feel not pretty enough for Bicon.

I know this isn't the main point, and you say you're already comfortable with it, but perhaps it's worth persuading your emotional mind what your rational mind already knows. I don't know bicon, but FWIW, I would say that (a) surely there are many friends who go to bicon and dress normally and didn't want to dress up in sexualised glamorous clothes, perhaps people more approaching it from a political viewpoint (b) in something like the goth dress and accessories, you do look really, really sexy and glamorous, and you could choose to dress like that or not, although perhaps a testimonial from someone else who doesn't automatically think you're wonderful would be more persuasive :) (c) people who wear fancy costumes started somewhere, perhaps even with one outfit -- I think you thought I looked incredibly regal in my cloak, but I typically feel ridiculous masqeurading as a sartorial person :)

I simultaneously want to identify as Queer and be part of the scene and get involved in at least some low-key activism and community stuff, and I want the gender of the people I happen to be attracted to not to matter.

I know what you mean, and both are very good. But, conveniently, you are at liberty to choose either -- or both -- depending how you feel. Recognising that a label doesn't have to be determining to you is incredibly important. Thinking about it is important, but both seem totally valid: you don't want being queer to be the most important part of who you are, and yet, I think it undeniably applies to you, and you undeniably identify with it at least somewhat. Which I would have thought would be what invites you into queer events.

It's just that, well, if 99% of your life is lived in situations where holding hands with your partner is a political decision and risks attracting hostility, and you get this rare opportunity to experience a context where same-sex affection is entirely normal, and some opposite sex couple, who can hold hands and kiss and canoodle in public and mention their relationship all the time, come along and want to join in the fun, there's something a bit off.

I can certainly imagine that if you went with your boyfriend and spent the whole weekend making out together, and simultaneously complaining that your life is so difficult because of your sexuality then it might be insensitive. But presumably this is not plan A? Surely the whole point of bicon is that some people will be in same-sex relationships and some people in opposite-sex relationships and some people will be monogamous and some people will be polyamorous. Or there wouldn't be much need for it.

Part of it is, I think, that I'm nervous about confirming biphobic stereotypes.

And again, that's very understandable. (And think of poor me conforming to white male heteronormative stereotypes! :)) And it's certainly good to be aware of.

But (a) it's supposed to be inclusive, so there presumably will be some people who are NOT very serious about being bi (b) people who don't know you well can't see all this at a glance and people who know you know that (even though you are not obliged to justify it) you do in fact see women as targets for serious relationships, not just smooches (c) people like you are presumably an important part of bi identity, so shouldn't they be represented?

This is a reassurance I need to hear myself, but you can't simultaneously avoid conforming to every stereotype in existence. It's logically impossible and not morally necessary.

where I am constantly deciding just how open I can afford to be about my relationship status.

Yeah. I realise now that (for the first time in my life) I may have to think about whether I come out about sexuality things, rather than as members of winnie-the-pooh and country dancing societies, although it's almost certain to still be entirely theoretical and not something that's ever difficult for me.

I'm tentatively inclined to the view that non-serious relationships, either one offs, or "every two month" things, probably don't need to be mentioned at work. any more than they would if I were single. They're a cross between "good friends the person I'm talking to will never meet" and "sexual details", both of which don't really need to be dwelled on.

If there were ever another equally primary relationship, that would be something to mention, probably only if it comes up in conversation. Although it does make me think that I would be betraying the lifestyle by denying it, but I also don't want to be someone who shoves intricate personal details in everyone's face.

The tricky question is if you're flirting with potential non-primary relationship people in front of non-queer people, how do you casually mention that it's normal for you without getting into a big debate?

When I told poppy about michelle, I realised that to non-queer people, it was hard to quickly make the mental leap that being nuzzled by other people wasn't a doomed disaster of a grudging compromise we kept mostly behind each other's backs, but a glorious exuberance :)

people who really can't pass express real hurt at people like me who kind of expect to have our cake and eat it.

I understand why their so hurt, but, even though you have some good fortune they lack, it's not your fault unless you rub their nose in it. Are there any specific suggestions about things you should do? I think it would be unreasonable to suggest that unless you give up a traditionally acceptable relationship, you should not do queer things -- it's not as if there's only so much queerness to go round and you'll use it up so people who need it can't have it. Would people want you to be more visible? Have something on your desk at work that says "outwardly normal people are bi"? That's difficult, but possible, depending what trade-offs you want to make. I'm probably being unfair to how they felt because I didn't see what they said. But there's no good feeling guilty because you happened to have your life be more lucky than some people (although less lucky than many other people, however lovely it turned out!), the question should be, is there anything you ought to DO? Or not?

You maybe need to hear comments from people in that position, rather than from other people.

I should probably stop trying to overthink this, shouldn't I?

Well (a) I think thinking about things thoroughly and talking about them is good but (b) while there are people to whom queer activism is more central to their identity, I would have pointed to your life as an example of a bi person's life which was really good.