Livre d'Or

"how do you know you're committed" is a seriously great question. I think, with either genetic family or beloved friends, it's a mixture of words and deeds.

Might there also be, on the kin side (and in some friend groups - see also geek social fallacy), the knowledge that you share a common group identity? In the case of kin groups, I think this seems to be stronger in virtually any cultural group compared to miscellaneous-anglo-white-protestant, but even there, factors like class play into common expectations.

It is, for instance, fairly well accepted in Australia that Asian cultural traditions place a much higher emphasis on family, honour, and the importance of living up to these things (of course with immigrant groups that isn't a constant, and I suspect it's not a constant even in any given Asian country). External observation and some limited reading has given me the impression that the dominant culture in Australia values the *individual* and individual identity to a greater degree than many of the other cultures who live here.

I'm thinking for instance of a few Korean students on my social periphery in undergrad, for whom having secret boy/girlfriends while in Australia seemed to be a common part of the studying-overseas experience. Even when the boyfriend was himself Korean, one of my friends felt herself utterly unable to tell her family or make any commitment, because it was expected that she not enter into relationships while studying. To many of the rest of us (and we were a fairly multi-cultural friend group) this seemed completely bonkers, but to her Korean friends, that was a common occurrence, and the price you paid for following a personal desire.

Another friend of mine, who is Jewish (and I do not think her family are western european, but I'm not certain about their exact heritage), had a conversation with me once in which it became clear that she was very bothered by the widespread social expecation in Australia that moving out of home and living with age-peers is a key maturation experience. Why would you want to leave your family??? Isn't it important to live with your family and support them??? To her, the conflicts which many people interpret as a cramp on their inviduality are either non-existent or a process you and your adult family members negotiate together.

Now, the part with more research than anecdote! A recent report into homophobia in Australian Arabic-speaking communities is entitled We're family too. My understanding, and I haven't read the full report, just press-release material around its release, is that this report delves into ideas of family in some detail. One of the questions it asked is why is it that so many Arabic-speaking queers live in the closet, and I believe it found that many of them are, if not happy, then consciously making that compromise (they may be out to some family members but not all), because it is more important to them to contribute to the family community than it is to be part of the "queer community". I believe it found that many such people see full "outness" as pursuing an individual desire at the expense of their community. I understand that the report also goes into homophobia and exclusion from family/community, and support networks among same-sex attracted arabic-speakers. Much of the material around the release of the report concluded that further activism with and within such communities needs to focus on the strengths of family/community ideologies, and expanding those to include and celebrate not-straight members.

Am I right in thinking that one of the things that bothers you about chosen kin networks is that they seem to be based on *individual* relationships, and if there is a group/community component it is less overt and potentially less stable than a family group? This doesn't hold true for all such groups (consider for example churches), but it does hold true for the geek-family ideal, at least once you take into account Captain Awkward's wise advice on not tolerating creepers just because they're fellow geeks. Set up like that, I suppose any individual can destabilise the whole group because of their individual needs.