The quest to stay childfree
Aug. 29th, 2009 03:53 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
livSo I saw a sexual health nurse this week. She was ever so friendly and communicative, and didn't patronize me, and took my opinions seriously. But on the down side, she wasn't very competent at performing the actual exam, she poked me about until I bled before she managed to take any samples. I think good bedside manner is more important to me, though.
After some discussion she reckoned my best long-term contraceptive option is the plain copper coil, without hormones. Apparently that will give me ten years of protection with a failure rate that's too small to measure accurately. She echoed what I've been told before, that the NHS regard the coil as a better option than sterilization, cos it's more effective but still reversible, and doesn't require surgery.
Well, more effective is a big plus, and I can totally see the point of avoiding unnecessary operations. But reversibility seems like a big downside to me. I have this strange paranoia about finding myself in a society which is either regressively sexist, or has low standards of medical care, such that I can't get a replacement coil when this one reaches the end of its lifetime. This is probably quite unlikely, but I may have 15 or even 20 years of fertility ahead of me and I can't bank on my situation being the same as it is now for that whole period. The other reason why I want to do something irreversible is that I've had a lot of relationships with people who thought that if I loved them enough I'd change my mind about not wanting kids. I want to be able to say to potential partners up front, not just that I'm childfree, which sounds like an opinion, but that I can't have children, which would be a physiological fact.
jack expressed some of my mindset in terms of, I am afraid I might betray myself one day. I might get an attack of hormones or biological clock or something, and go through a brief period of unreason and thinking I want children after all. At least removing a coil requires making a medical appointment, so it would give me a few days to think over a hasty decision. But I'm more afraid of pressure from a partner. It's easy to tell myself that if someone tried to nag me (or worse) into having kids, I would totally dump them rather than give in, but realistically I know how hard it can be to end a relationship. Obviously I hope I wouldn't get involved with anyone abusive, but I'm no more immune to being bullied into following unreasonable demands than anyone else.
On the medical side, my feeling is that the risk of surgery, while higher, is a one-off. If I don't get a bad reaction to the anaesthetic or pick up a iatrogenic infection, well, I can stop worrying about it forever after. Whereas the very unlikely risks associated with using a coil are ever-present. Now I know that hormone-free is an option, I'm less worried by that possibility, but still.
So the question is, should I insist on sterilization even though I know it will mean a fight (and possibly paying for it to be done privately)? And even though I do take seriously the relative medical disadvantages of that option? It's the greater effectiveness of the coil that makes me lean towards accepting that option even though I would rather have something more permanent. I suppose a compromise is to agree to have a coil fitted, and if it goes wrong in some way, then ask for sterilization as a back-up plan. Or, well, revisit the issue in a few years' time and see if the medical consensus has changed, as well as me being older so less likely to be regarded as flighty and expected to change my mind about having kids any time.
After some discussion she reckoned my best long-term contraceptive option is the plain copper coil, without hormones. Apparently that will give me ten years of protection with a failure rate that's too small to measure accurately. She echoed what I've been told before, that the NHS regard the coil as a better option than sterilization, cos it's more effective but still reversible, and doesn't require surgery.
Well, more effective is a big plus, and I can totally see the point of avoiding unnecessary operations. But reversibility seems like a big downside to me. I have this strange paranoia about finding myself in a society which is either regressively sexist, or has low standards of medical care, such that I can't get a replacement coil when this one reaches the end of its lifetime. This is probably quite unlikely, but I may have 15 or even 20 years of fertility ahead of me and I can't bank on my situation being the same as it is now for that whole period. The other reason why I want to do something irreversible is that I've had a lot of relationships with people who thought that if I loved them enough I'd change my mind about not wanting kids. I want to be able to say to potential partners up front, not just that I'm childfree, which sounds like an opinion, but that I can't have children, which would be a physiological fact.
jack expressed some of my mindset in terms of, I am afraid I might betray myself one day. I might get an attack of hormones or biological clock or something, and go through a brief period of unreason and thinking I want children after all. At least removing a coil requires making a medical appointment, so it would give me a few days to think over a hasty decision. But I'm more afraid of pressure from a partner. It's easy to tell myself that if someone tried to nag me (or worse) into having kids, I would totally dump them rather than give in, but realistically I know how hard it can be to end a relationship. Obviously I hope I wouldn't get involved with anyone abusive, but I'm no more immune to being bullied into following unreasonable demands than anyone else. On the medical side, my feeling is that the risk of surgery, while higher, is a one-off. If I don't get a bad reaction to the anaesthetic or pick up a iatrogenic infection, well, I can stop worrying about it forever after. Whereas the very unlikely risks associated with using a coil are ever-present. Now I know that hormone-free is an option, I'm less worried by that possibility, but still.
So the question is, should I insist on sterilization even though I know it will mean a fight (and possibly paying for it to be done privately)? And even though I do take seriously the relative medical disadvantages of that option? It's the greater effectiveness of the coil that makes me lean towards accepting that option even though I would rather have something more permanent. I suppose a compromise is to agree to have a coil fitted, and if it goes wrong in some way, then ask for sterilization as a back-up plan. Or, well, revisit the issue in a few years' time and see if the medical consensus has changed, as well as me being older so less likely to be regarded as flighty and expected to change my mind about having kids any time.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-30 06:40 pm (UTC)You know, if that's really the issue here, you could just say that you're sterilized. They're not exactly going to be able to tell the difference. Yes, lying to a partner isn't great in that it implies a certain level of distrust, but this whole emotional thing is built on inherent distrust anyway, so it's not that dissimilar.
Back to the Being Pressured To Be Nice thing.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-30 07:54 pm (UTC)That does strike me as wrong and the kind of thing that could get make someone very upset if/when they found out. It might be better to say "I have a coil, permanently". If someone completely disregards their partners wish to remain child free and pushes them to have children anyway then that's a stress on the relationship itself, as well simply disregarding
(no subject)
Date: 2009-08-30 10:14 pm (UTC)That is, it seems like the kind of dynamic that's so deeply screwed up you can't possibly start trying to accommodate it in any form, which is kind of scary, and makes me wonder - Liv, dearest - what the heck is with that. Especially given that you do appear to be in a relationship with a partner who respects you being childfree.
(no subject)
Date: 2009-09-10 07:51 am (UTC)