Hard decisions

[liv]

My joint birthday party with jack at the weekend was great fun. Lots of lovely people, including people I haven't caught up with in far too long, including deborah_c and hobbitz. It was my first experience of having a party that included small children; they were wonderfully entertaining and not at all destructive. But it also felt like a life milestone: I've reached the stage where several of my peers have kids. Also, purplecthulu pointed out that I have now reached the age of majority in hobbit terms. When it got to the late night stage, the thing that seemed like a really good idea was to impose a fairly formal structure, with a conch and points of order, on a discussion about government mandated traffic-light labelling on food.

On the negative side, though, my asthma was bad enough to scare me pretty much throughout, and not responding to drugs. This led me to accept the reality I've been in denial about for some years: I am allergic to jack's house, and it's an absolutely classic pattern of sensitization, not just a series of coincidences. So I need to stop spending time there before it gets bad enough to be actually dangerous rather than just annoying. Unfortunately struggling to breathe makes me less good at thinking clearly, so I forgot all the rules of good communication and told jack about this decision at about 3 am. Much to his credit, he took it really well, but still, not my proudest moment.

We had a proper discussion when we were more awake, which covered a few difficult issues that really did need confronting. The decision was reaffirmed: I'm not going to be spending time at my fiancé's home until it's safe for my lungs, which might mean major work to deal with the mould and damp, or might mean moving house. Neither of those is going to be a speedy process, especially not when we have a wedding to plan in the next few months. I'm not pleased about this at all, and not least because it means no more lovely houseparties like Saturday's. But I really need to stop endangering my health. It's more inconvenient than a disaster for the relationship; I have plenty of options for places to stay in Cambridge (including my parents'), and jack can come and visit me here, and we can use the excuse to go away together and visit somewhere interesting instead of just defaulting to me hanging out in Cambridge.

In the course of a somewhat painful conversation, we acknowledged that we have no real prospect of being able to move in together any time in the next 18 months to 2 years. We sort of knew that already, but perhaps weirdly I feel better for knowing it's off the table. The discussion removed the emotional block I was feeling whenever I tried to contemplate any medium-term plans or decisions, because I kept having to second-guess myself by thinking, but how will that fit in with perhaps living with jack? We haven't given up the intention of living together eventually, but it's more a long term life and career decision thing, than something we're actively working on. And I do think we'll be ok long-distance for a while longer, even with the awkwardness that I'm not visiting jack's house any more.

Feh. Lots of couples have worse issues with illness or career stuff or geography getting in the way of the relationship. We'll be ok, but celebrating milestone birthdays is somewhat dampened by this situation.

Comments

[kaberett]

I'm glad you had the party & sorry I didn't feel able to come (what between brain & physical health). Glad also that you have recognised that you are allergic to house before it becomes a problem; good luck with sorting that out, & well done to both of you for managing to have the conversation constructively!

[liv]

Here's wishing you better health soon. The party would have been better with you there, but sometimes these things don't work out.

I think it's a bit optimistic to say that I started dealing with this before it becomes a problem, but still, I think better late than never. And both my health and the flat are sortable, it's just going to be a bit of a pain.

[rmc28]

I'm glad it was a good party and sorry we couldn't join you. We were getting ready to come when I had an attack of Being Pregnant & Tired, so we watched a silly film instead.

It might be possible to have nice houseparties in other people's houses. We would probably be happy to host one (er, not in June or July though!) - unless cats are an asthma trigger for you?

I'm impressed by both of you having a difficult conversation constructively, and it makes sense that having a definite "not in the next 18-24 months" helps make medium-term planning easier.

[jack]

We were getting ready to come when I had an attack of Being Pregnant & Tired, so we watched a silly film instead.

*hugs* Oh, thank you. I hope you had a good evening, definitely don't try to drag yourself out if you don't want to.

It might be possible to have nice houseparties in other people's houses

*hugs* Oh, thank you so much, that's a really good idea. I feel so silly I've let my house deteriorate to the point where its a significant problem to our relationship I'm a bit blinkered when it comes to seeing practical workarounds while the plan for "sort my life out so I don't have any silly problems" is still simmering, but it's really good to remember there ARE practical alternatives, even if it's a serious problem. (House parties are probably not _the_ biggest thing, we don't have them _that_ often, but there'll be other similar situations, and it'd be sad to not do them ever.)

I'm impressed by both of you having a difficult conversation constructively,

Thank you! I think for lots of reasons we both have very high standards for this sort of thing, but it's good to remember that our effort does have positive results in terms of good communication, even if it's always a long way from perfect. *hugs*

[naath]

Our house is also good, if you need houseparty places.

Your flat just clearly has a real problem with ventilation and stuff. Moving would probably be easier than fixing it, especially considering that you rent so some of the things that might fix it mean fighting the landlord/agency over it :( :(

Having a difficult conversation constructively is probably a bigger achievement than defeating the evil mould; and a good sign of your general good sense :)

[kerrypolka]

I agree with this! (except for the houseparty part :)). Hard conversations are hard so good on you for having a useful one; moving from a rented place is annoying but not the end of the world.

[liv]

Thank you, wise married friend! You're right that moving out of a rented place is very doable, but part of the problem is figuring out whether it makes sense to find another stop-gap rented place, or consider buying (which really means committing to not living together for a while). But yeah, we're surely going to have to have more of those tricky conversations in the course of building a lifelong partnership, so it's good when they work.

[liv]

Thank you very much for the kind offer and the support in having difficult conversations! I agree with you that fighting landlords is harder than fighting mould. Still, once we've unlocked the "get married" achievement we will have time and brain-space to work on that problem.

[naath]

Wedding, yay! Also stress, but happier stress? Mould stress is just BLECH.

[liv]

I think we should have a tour of our lovely Cambridge friends' houses and throw parties in several of them, that would be awesome!

[naath]

You should totally do that! it would be awesome!

[liv]

Thank you very much for offering to help us host, that's really generous! I'm not allergic to cats at all; pollen and mould, that's about it. And no, of course not when you have a newborn. I hope the impending baby will let you come to the wedding in May, though!

Thank you also for being supportive about the difficult conversation. Like jack said, we have high standards of communication, and it's easy to get frustrated when communication isn't quite perfect. Still, we've got plenty of time to work on that!

It is indeed a shame that you couldn't make it, but silly film sounds like absolutely the best possible choice in the circumstances.

[jack]

*HUGS* I'm sorry things were awkward, but yay for good party anyway xxxxxx.

I forgot all the rules of good communication and told jack about this decision at about 3 am

FWIW, I still think you were right to bring it up, even if we didn't handle the "ok, we definitely need to acknowledge this, but neither of us think we should talk it out now" moment as well as we might have done if we were more awake and less worried. But I think it was better than leaving it and having the additional hurdle of bringing it up later before we really talked about it. I'm glad we talked about it on Sunday -- I'm sorry the solution sucks so much, but thank you for being good at communicating (imho).

Although I admit, I think in _this_ case I think it was right to bring it up, but in other cases (eg. "here's a new massive doom thing to think about, which will loom and loom worse and worse until we have time to talk about") it might be better to bring it up in the morning, and I'm not sure if there's any easy way to tell which emotional response something is likely to trigger, so I don't know how to tell which ones to bring up and which ones not... *hugs*

The discussion removed the emotional block I was feeling whenever I tried to contemplate any medium-term plans or decisions

I'm really sympathetic that the result was not happier, but I'm glad we did talk about that, as I think it definitely helped both of us with logistics. I think I had exactly the same "agh, how can I make decisions when I don't know if I'll be moving to stoke or not" block when I was job hunting, which prevented me from making all sorts of decisions, but I think I'd already reached the idea that it was most likely not for that time, and it made sense to plan on that assumption *hugs*

[deborah_c]

I have a somewhat larger and less mouldy house, and have been known to host parties for random other people (and, for that matter, generally enjoy doing so). I'm sure arrangements could be made...

[liv]

Wow, thank you! We may well take you up on that, I love the idea of having a party in your house. (Though I hope we're not too random.)

Thanks also for coming, it was really lovely to see you. I should talk to you about something Pirates related, actually.

[doseybat]

You are both welcome to stay over in Leytonstone especially dad is likely to be away and there is space and bedrooms! Sorry not to have been there for the party.

[liv]

I assumed you'd probably be at the housewarming, no worries. But parties in your house sound like a lovely idea! And indeed I should make plans to see you not at parties.

[purplecthulhu]

It was a great party - thanks for inviting me!

I was a bit worried about your coughing, I must admit, so it sounds like this was a good conversation to have, even if not at a good time. I was even a bit coughy myself, which is unusual!

As to the two body problem - I've had that, and worse, for a while. Not sure I have any solutions to it, but I can share experiences.

And if you ever need a base of operations in Bethnal Green, you know where to find me!

[liv]

*bounce* yay party. And thank you for the book and for being such a star about helping to clear up afterwards.

Coughing-wise, that was about as bad as my asthma ever gets, but after 30 years of experience I was pretty sure it was going to stay at "unpleasant" rather than "dangerous". I mean, that's a gamble, which is why I have made the resolution not to go back to the flat; even a very slim chance of stopping breathing is something I don't really want to risk.

A base of operations, I like that phrase. And thank you very much for the offer, too. What we have isn't strictly a two-body problem, since jack sensibly didn't go into academia, but still. I have warned him enough times that it's a bad idea to marry an academic, but he wouldn't be deterred.

[purplecthulhu]

I didn't exactly do a lot of clearing up you know - just a little transferring things from one room to another!

To my mind stopping breathing is something to be avoided...

I suspect that there should be a generalisation of the two body problem - it doesn't just apply to academics, but to any two (or more!) people whose profession means that they can't work in many places. Not sure that this applies though.

The ones who refuse to be scared away are the keepers :-)

[hairyears]

I had breathing problems at Jack's too: had to stand outside for a few minutes, practice breathing and relaxation, assess whether going back inside would be dangerous. I did; but Iwish I could've stayed longer.

It's interesting that the three occasions I've had breathing difficulties have all been in Cambridge.

[liv]

Ugh, sorry to hear it was affecting your breathing as well. It was lovely to have you for the time we did; I especially enjoyed your contributions to the "debate".

[hairyears]

It bothers me that the breathing problems I had persisted for more tha 24 hours: if I'm mildly reactive, I must've inhaled a *lot* of spores.

Looking back, I should not have stayed as long as I did: it got painful, rather than just uncomfortable. And if it affected me that badly - and I'm not clinically asthmatic - then something is very, very amiss in No. 66.

Jack's lucky that he isn't sensitive to whatever it is, but he might easily become sensitised: and he'd regret that. He might also get a hearty clap on the shoulder from a colleague tomorrow, next week, or whenever, so that his jacket puffs out a cloud of spores in fron of someone who is sensitive, and not so fortunate as to be *mildly* asthmatic.

The best course of action is to plan to move, soon, and then call the Council. Tell them that six people have reported breathing problems in the house, and see if the EHO takes any air samples; that may result in an Improvement Notice - a legally-enforceable order for repairs - or the house being declared unfit for human habitation... Which means it's a criminal offence (not a civil matter or a byelaw!) to rent it out.

The landlord won't like that. You (or Jack) might want to be out - or packed, with storage available - before that.

Sorry, this is not a cheerful follow-on to a party that I thoroughly enjoyed.

[naath]

I have no difficulty breathing, but do notice a strong odour of mould in the flat; I think almost everyone who has been there notices that (except those with no smell) even if not to the point of finding breathing hard.

Many houses in Cambridge suffer from mild damp/mould issues, the place is (after all) built on a swamp (BADLY built on a swamp... surely houses that stay dry are possible?) but no 66 suffers badly from a lack of ventilation. The mould that is there now could probably be killed by judicious drying-out of the place (hard to dry out your sole shower room/toilet though!) and thorough cleaning - but without serious ventilation improvement it will all just come straight back.

[redbird]

My sympathies. And I empathize with that "at least I know where I stand, even if it's not my first choice answer" feeling.

[liv]

Yes, that's exactly right. Thank you for commenting supportively. I think I'm generally ok at handling uncertainty, but there is still a level of it that makes me stressed and on edge, so knowing is certainly preferable.

[gerald_duck]

(Here because kaberett mentioned you'd posted about it.)

I had significant breathing difficulty in the bathroom, and less severe trouble specifically sitting in (rather than merely near) the chair in the corner by the back door. I was OK elsewhere in the house. I do have asthma, but it's mild: half a dozen puffs of Ventolin a month.

I'd categorise the situation as problematic. It doesn't affect me badly enough for me to stay away from parties there, but I wouldn't want to live with it. And I do worry a bit about how it might be affecting Jack's health.

Having said that, I do now have a sore throat and a bit of a snuffle, but that's more likely to be Naath's lurgy than a problem with the flat. (-8

Many thanks for co-hosting a fine party, and happy birthday again!

[liv]

Thanks for adding some data to the discussion. My asthma is generally well-controlled; I would consider it a bad month when I had to take Ventolin 6 times. This is why I am pretty sure that it's a sensitization issue; repeated exposure to a mild trigger turns it into a major trigger. Normally I'd be fine with a couple of evenings a year in an unfriendly environment like that, but several days a month over the course of 4 years was definitely a bad idea.

The question now is whether we can convince the agency that the flat is sub-habitable; they keep insisting that it's just a bit damp and everything can be solved by leaving the windows open when cooking.

[purplecthulhu]

I'm afraid they are either deceiving themselves or are culpable. I don't know what the mould is but I was shocked to see that it is in fact eating the surround of the bath.

To be honest, the best thing here is to move out. Whether EHOs then get involved is another issue, but for your and Jack's health, it is best to live somewhere else.

allergies

[(Anonymous)]

Hi, I had a very similar problem. A huge cat allergy setting off my asthma at my (at-the-time) new boyfriend's place. New = I tried not to make to big a deal of it. The low point was when, on top of cat issues, his neighbours redid their floor and the chemical products they were using meant an A & E trip. For the next two years, he made the commute to come and see me which slightly toppled our relationship balance. However, now we've bought a house, the cat lives outside and redoing our own floor with natural products didn't cause any problems. So, please now that you can get through this and we need to listen to our own health more often.