Absence

[liv]

So one of my partners is leaving for a long roadtrip. I'm unreasonably sad and anxious about being apart for several months.

I never imagined myself in the weeping-by-the-shore role. I thought I'd be the one to leave loved ones behind and go off on adventures. But I think the reason I'm sad is not so much that I'm going to be apart from my partner, it's that we don't have a clear plan for resuming our life together when they come back.

And the reason for that is Brexit, which is making me miserable and scared as a baseline anyway. I mean, part of the impetus for partner's trip is to see the world and have a cool adventure, but part of the reason is to be out of the UK until the Brexit chaos hopefully blows over. And, well, I don't know that it will blow over; I think if things get bad in the next few weeks, then the situation will just worsen rather than resolving. So I'm slightly scared that we'll never see eachother again, but that's probably not a realistic fear, I don't soberly expect to be killed (by violence or medical disruption) before this summer. More likely travel in and out of Britain will become much more difficult, though hopefully not impossible.

And more likely still, likely enough that I lie awake at night worrying about it, is that a few months will go by and we won't really know whether England is a sensible place to continue living for the next few years. My inclination is to run away; I come from long lines of ancestors who emigrated when life was merely unpleasant for minorities, and before unpleasantness developed into danger. My partner's inclination is to stay, for lots of good reasons. So I don't know if the relationship will survive Brexit, and I don't know if we'll end up long distance or if we'll break up or what.

Obviously this is much less bad than the situation of partners who are already being kept apart by the hostile environment and the betrayal of UK-resident Europeans. Even though I'm scared and worried, I think the most likely thing that will happen is a major financial recession, which will be unpleasant but probably not deadly for people like us. I quite strongly don't want to spend the coming years in a country which is killing disabled people and poor people and abusing people who don't have the appropriate paperwork to prove they can live here, even if I'm not directly threatened at the moment.

I haven't talked about this publicly before, and I may yet regret doing so. I have been worrying since the referendum, but part of my worry has been, is it actually safe to put these kinds of thoughts in writing on the internet? And now we're possibly days? or weeks? or months? from actually severing ties with our major trading partners, with no plan in place (the bit where we still don't know the timing is not helping me to be calm and face the future sensibly). And my partner is going away for a long time, and instead of being supportive and excited for them, I'm mostly sad and scared.

So, uh, in theory I may have more free weekends for the next few months. Would anyone like to make plans to hang out? I will do my best to be actually fun company and not just sit around complaining.

Comments

[cosmolinguist]

Oh this is such a sad reason to be separated from a partner. I'm really sorry. Fuck Brexit.

[forestofglory]

That sounds really hard. *tea and support*

I'd love to hang out with you on the weekends if geography wasn't in the way.

[worlds_of_smoke]

-offers hugs and support-

[angelofthenorth]

Always happy to see you

[ewt]

(I didn't finish typing this properly earlier before it posted, and then my phone restarted itself, and then I got interrupted, so I'm finishing now.)

Long absences from partners are a hard thing, made much harder, in my experience, by not knowing what the other side of the absence will look like. The political situation is terrible and must make that feel quite a bit worse.

I would very much like to see you, but I'm sorry that these are the circumstances in which you find you have more time at weekends.

(I'm currently fairly busy on Sunday mornings again.)

[doseybat]

Sending hugs. And looking forward to seeing you.

[siderea]

Oh, god. I'm so sorry. I hope it all blows over as a big nothing, and you are soon reunited.

[lilacsigil]

Fuck Brexit, seriously. We were really hoping my brother and his wife (who live in the UK) were going to move back to Australia at least for the duration, but they haven't. And, like you say, they're not the kind of people who are going to be worst hurt by it, and yet, and yet. I'm sorry you've got this personal hurt and worry on top of all the insecurity.

[monanotlisa]

I feel for you. It's not a phrase; my heart aches less for my continental European friends (who will be fine, ultimately, or as fine as one is these days) than my Brits, and most of all those who aren't Anglo-Saxon Cis Het White Dudes.

I come from long lines of ancestors who emigrated when life was merely unpleasant for minorities

*nod* I know you have many friends in many places, including this one...but if you leave for the US, feel free to consider me at your beck and call for advice. Sadly US-Americans tend to have no idea of the bureaucracy that immigrants are facing.

[silveradept]

Wrong side of the ocean, but much scorn and derision for Brexit. And empathy for having a situation where someone you love is leaving and it might be harder for them to return at the end of it.

[rosefox]

My inclination is to run away; I come from long lines of ancestors who emigrated when life was merely unpleasant for minorities, and before unpleasantness developed into danger.

I know that feeling so well, and it's part of why I'm devastated that both the U.S. and the U.K. are thrashing about like this. I was so happy to get my U.K. passport and have all of Europe feel like my second home, my backup plan if the U.S. fell apart. Now, I don't know where I'd go.

But the best sober assessments I've heard from people working hard on Brexit planning for large national organizations and the like is that it's very unlikely to be the sort of terrible where there are riots and food shortages and the like, though a recession seems inevitable. I suspect travel in and out of Britain will not be greatly affected, because there are so many business interests that demand it be prioritized. So you will survive it, and you will have ways to get out if you need to.

I'm sorry you and your partner are having such divergent responses that you're struggling to support each other through the crisis. I hope it all works out okay for you in the end.

[sfred]

That sounds really hard. I'm so sorry.

[emperor]

*hugs*

Also, f**k Brexit :(

[simont]

Would anyone like to make plans to hang out?

Yes! I often think it would be nice to have more conversations with you that don't take place at a crowded party where you're 30 seconds away from having your attention demanded by hostly duties or a small child. Come round for tea and wittering some Saturday afternoon?

[ephemera]

*virtual tea*

I'm so sorry that the overlap of the personal and the political is being so particularly painful at the moment. I hear you *so hard* on the baseline background anxiety and sadness and uncertainty.

[hairyears]

I cannot shake the thought that I should have kept up the French lessons, and I should *right now* be dividing my time between Paris and London, or be out and gone and living in Amsteram or Berlin.

I go where the work is: and, increasingly, I have to work to find it. The safe middle-class existence is far, far less secure than we all believe it to be.

[ceb]

*hugs* to everyone. I would love to see more of you. Fancy coming round for board games sometime?

[damerell]

Hello, I am crowbarring in a mention of the most scientific and difficult of all games, DungeonQuest.

[ghoti_mhic_uait]

Best of Davids, thank you for existing.

[ghoti_mhic_uait]

*hugs* I'm sorry.