Tiny new person

[liv]

So my partners and metamour had a baby this week! It's very exciting, but also very weird because we are quarantined apart. I had been a bit nervous and a lot excited about forming a relationship with a child from birth (I suppose that was the case with my siblings, but the period when I was aged 2-6 doesn't count in quite the same way.) But now that's not really going to happen; I'm planning to carry on waving to her from 2m away, but babies don't bond to people who occasionally wave from 2m away.

There's no point being sad about no baby cuddles; I'm already properly sad about having to stay physically distanced from my actual partners and the middle two children whom I miss desperately. Family life during a a pandemic is weird, but that's hardly news.

I started spending extended time with her older siblings when they were 2 1/2 and 6 (now 8 and 11). The thing I found most difficult about interacting with younger children is how emotionally intense they are. Does anyone have any advice (from personal experience or theoretical knowledge) about how to cope when people you care about find every small setback or frustration devastatingly upsetting? It's something I want to do better this time. Note that I don't want advice on how to prevent small children from inconveniently expressing emotions around me, I just want to find better ways of handling my own feelings.

It's probably a skill worth learning in general, because with a terrifying global pandemic everybody is more emotionally on edge than usual. And of course it's something that all parents must manage somehow. I just... don't see it talked about a lot in eg parenting guides.

Comments

[angelofthenorth]

I find acknowledging 'they must be hungry' 'they sound frustrated' helps me to stay calm. Staying calm lessens the intensity, somehow.

It's a skill I've developed in ACT of 'That's an interesting thought, what is it doing there?' - a certain detachment that's useful, when the impulse to do something isn't necessarily helpful.

[watersword]

Congratulations on the new person in your family!

[princessofgeeks]

I'm glad you are in the same town as them and have all my fingers and toes crossed for when you can all be together again.

[rosefox]

Janet Lansbury talks a lot about this, if you're looking for a parenting guide/blogger to follow on the topic.

A thing that works for me is to separate the feeling from the urge to act on the feeling and then from the actual action, whether in me or in the child. So for a child that might look like:

- Something happened that I didn't like
- I feel MAD
- I want to show the world how mad I am
- I hit my parent

And in me it might look like:

- The baby is crying
- I feel anxious that something is wrong
- I want to make the crying stop so I don't feel so anxious
- I rush to offer a bottle

Or:

- My child is screaming about a dropped blueberry
- It's really stressing me out
- I want to make the screaming stop and express my stress
- I snap that no blueberry is worth this much agita, get a grip, kid

If that cycle can be interrupted at step one and the feeling can be identified as a feeling (so "I feel anxious about the baby crying" is actually the issue for me, not "the baby is crying"), then a calmer approach can be taken, starting with "Is there actually a problem here" and moving on to "How do I take a more considered action".

Improved paths made possible by this approach:

- Something happened that I didn't like
- I feel MAD
--- But I remember that sometimes the ways I express my anger can hurt people
--- I remember that my parents said to start by SAYING my feeling so they can help
--- I yell "I'M MAD"
--- My parents say "Wow, you sure are! Everyone feels mad sometimes, and you really didn't like that thing that happened. How can you express that safely? Do you want to go throw some stuffed animals?"
--- I throw stuffed animals and feel better

Or:

- The baby is crying
- I feel anxious that something is wrong
--- But I remember that my own feelings are all dialed up to 11 because being in charge of caring for a tiny baby is really super stressful for me
--- I remember that taking care of myself is the best way to take care of the baby, that ordinary crying isn't harmful or a sign that anything is badly wrong, and that staying calm and focusing on emotional connection is the best way to help both me and the baby feel better
--- I leave the baby in the crib for a minute, go put in ear plugs, and take a couple of calming breaths. I look at the food/sleep/diaper tracking app to see what the most likely cause of the distress is. Then I go back in and calmly, gently take care of the baby, talking to them about what I'm doing and letting myself feel the ways we're in relationship

Or:

- My child is screaming about a dropped blueberry
- it's really stressing me out
--- But I remember that my stress isn't my child's problem to deal with
--- I remember that staying calm, validating feelings, and establishing clear boundaries around behavior can de-escalate the situation and help us both feel better
--- I take a deep slow breath and say calmly "Wow, you're really upset about that blueberry. I do need you not to scream in the house. Once it falls on the floor it's not food anymore, but would you like me to get you some more blueberries?"
--- The child stops screaming and sniffles "no"
--- After further discussion, we hold a solemn blueberry funeral that's surprisingly meaningful for everyone

Is that useful?

[rosefox]

ACT is magic.

[shewhostaples]

Yes - I try to see things from their point of view, and say in my head, "You're right - there are two many people in here and it's really quite warm and maybe you're hungry, and all those are reasonable things to be upset about."

(I don't have children - this is an approach that I try to take when I come across upset babies in public spaces.)

[green_knight]

I don't need this skill but I'm filing it away in case it ever becomes relevant. That sounds like awesome parenting.

[green_knight]

First, congratulations!

I find emotions easier to deal with when I remind myself that they are e-motions: things that I feel, very intensely at times, and let flow through me, rather than carrying them around for ages. Trying to suppress emotions (or just not feel them) frequently means they'll come back and bite me when I least need them; acknowledging that I *am* (scared, angry, devastated), feeling it intensely, and then moving on seems to work better.

I don't know how to _teach_ that to a kid, especially a small, non-verbal one, but not telling them their feelings don't matter seems to be a very important step.

[sfred]

Congratulations on the new family member! I'm sorry you don't get to cuddle them yet.

Like others have said, I find it useful to go through the though process (and often to say): "agh, there's a thing you want or need that you haven't got. That must be really difficult. I wonder whether it's a thing we can make happen or whether we just have to be with the feeling until it feels easier."

When they get a little bit older, it can be more like "It's really hard wanting to play with the shiny thing when you can't, isn't it?" or "It's really hard when $BelovedHuman leaves the room without you, isn't it?" or whatever.

Sometimes the naming makes it easier for me to manage my feelings that are prompted by their feelings.

[marymac]

H is just turning one and has absolutely no middle gears, raging curiosity, a terrible case of FOMO and a burning desire to be naked, which makes life quite interesting. His greatest hit so far has been getting so angry that I wouldn't let him eat the clematis that he went purple and passed out.

We tend to cope with being in charge of a highly strung force of nature by lots of "I know, I know, [thing] is very [thing] but it's ok, it's ok" and cuddles as required (he's a snuggly baby, once he's upset he has to be on someone, other babies milage may vary).

Basically, acknowledge that he is really really mad/sad/overtired and doesn't know which end is up and thing that has caused this is a very unfortunate thing/but he's not allowed to do or have it anyway (raw potatoes usually), then comfort. We also use it on the teenager, with a 50/50 success vs pissing off rate.

[aldabra]

Especially when they're tiny and pre-mobile, it is OK to put them down and absent yourself if you get overwhelmed. They're not going to damage themselves, and being yelled at can get overwhelming (especially at the 48-hour mark). You look after them better if you look after you too. Put your own oxygen mask on first.

Pick them up and remove them from stressful situations. (You will so miss the option to do this when they are 15.)

I think "it takes a village to raise a child" means "nobody has the stamina to do this on their own". Take turns. Even unsolvable tantrums are easier over four hours than twelve. Arrange it so that everyone gets enough sleep, and then everyone will be able to focus on the kid.

After that, I think you get a long way with friendliness and eye contact, and children are really really individual in how they respond to things, from birth. You have to learn from the kid you've got.

[marymac]

You have to learn from the kid you've got.

This, this, this. Child was an incredibly chilled out baby, H is not. His dad still isn't sure what hit him.

We have survived so far 😁

[lilacsigil]

Congratulations!

I'm not a parent but I am an aunt and the two things that I had to learn were:

1. sometimes only the parent will do (and sometimes only a specific parent) and that's nothing to do with me, it's just developmental. And you can still help the parents by staying present and being calm and making sure the child is warm/fed/safe until parent is available.

2. a crying baby is really emotionally distressing, especially if you're not the person there all the time and aware of what different cries mean! I had to remind myself a lot that this was the baby's only way of communicating, not the immediate PANIC STATIONS that the crying baby invoked in me!

That said, I never did get to like the baby stage particularly, they were much more interesting from the age of 1!

[karen2205]

When they're small enough to find every small setback or frustration devastingly upsetting, they're usually still small enough that you can comfort them successfully with touch / words / distraction etc. [vs. say an older child having problems at school that you can't fix with a cuddle]. The intense emotional states of the really little ones are usually very short lived. So I'm not usually too bothered by them - it's not that the intense emotion isn't real, but I know I can help them through it and that they're usually OK with their emotions being all over the place (without the meta stuff an older child or adult would have around it)

Babies who are crying continuously are another question - IME harder than the slightly older child who is frustrated because they can't reach something etc. Babies cries are designed to be horrible listening to motivate us into caring for them. Best I have come up with so far is a list of potentially comforting stuff to try to alternate between - milk (if easily available), clean nappy, keeping more upright vs a cradle hold (might help if the baby has reflux), change of clothes / looking for eg. threads that have got twisted into a painful position, going for a walk in the pram / sling, going for a drive, having a bath, distract with a toy - the likelihood is that at some point you'll find something that either soothes the baby to sleep or entertains them enough that they stop crying.

[luscious_purple]

Congratulations and mazel tov!

[silveradept]

Congratulations to the new child.

A lot of the early years, based on my escorting adjacent to direct parenting is recognizing that smalls have limited methods of expressing themselves. Part of the reason baby signs are so popular here in the States is that the connection between gesture and action happens before words and actions, and a small that can express their needs is a small that can get those needs met sooner.

Which sometimes means having to put names to feelings and working with a small to build resilience where possible. And sometimes that means having smaller forms of those emotions around smalls and explaining to them how to cope or mitigate them. In my part, it means that if someone is having a feeling in the library space, it means acknowledging the feeling, and not shaming anyone for having it or for having a child that has feelings.

And, if need be, absenting myself so that I can have the intense version of the feeling and then come back with the less intense version.

[serriadh]

Naming the child's emotions also comes up in How to Talk So (Little) Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk books. The idea is that part/most of the overwhelming frustration is the child doesn't really understand the emotion coursing through them and so "overreacts". My son is only 20 months but I have found that a certain amount of 'oh gosh you ARE cross. You're cross because you wanted to go into the kitchen and we can't do that now. That must be very cross-making' short-circuits my own frustration and distress at him being distressed. (Because he's not sad because the world is ending, though you'd think it was from his reaction.)

[rosefox]

Yes, I think those books come from a similar foundation to RIE-style "sportscasting". It turns out to be really useful for adults too, especially in a household full of fix-it types; when we all get in the habit of going "Ooof, that sounds really hard and upsetting" instead of (or at least before) trying to leap in with solutions, everyone feels much happier!

As far as I can tell, children are overstimulated all the time, as much by what's happening inside them as by things out in the world. Being a child in an adult world means constantly being confused and not understood and not accommodated even when you thought you were making a reasonable request. I'm autistic and I know those feelings and experiences extremely well. If I can remind myself of that, I can have a whole lot of patience and sympathy for the frustration of being in that situation.

[rosefox]

In my experience, you don't need to teach that to children; most of them quite naturally do the thing of having a brief, intense feeling and then being done and moving on. As you say, what adults generally need to do is not teach children not to do that. (Teaching appropriate expressions of feelings is a separate matter.)

[rosefox]

Every single word of this is emphatically correct.

[green_knight]

Thanks, that is very helpful. (I have very little direct contact with small children; my goal is to be a good ally when I do encounter them.)

[antisoppist]

As others have said, it took me a while to get from a) fix the upsetting thing and make it stop to b) it is OK to be upset about things and there are options other than fix the thing or make the child pretend to not have feelings. And I was belatedly working this out for myself at the time so not doing what my parents did was a good start (my mother banned balloons for all of us for ever because I cried over a burst balloon when I was two - this does not build resilience or the ability to cope with setbacks or to allow yourself to have feelings about things!)

But otherwise I treated mine as people with their own opinions about things from the start and they all needed different parenting because they are all different people. Number 2 was 2 before I realised he was an extrovert and was not actually enjoying the quiet days at home I'd factored in to recover from having gone to playgroup the day before. But I did work it out because I wasn't automatically assuming what he wanted was what I would want or his older sibling would have wanted. Not that you can always have life the way you want it but people of any age are more amenable to having things not the way they want them if their wants are listened to even if they can't have them and they do get them met some of the time. Not babies though. Babies cannot be reasoned with.

[mrissa]

Yeah, "it's hard to be little" is a thing I say to myself a lot, because it really, really is. They're juggling learning literally everything at once.

[mrissa]

Seriously sometimes only the parent will do. Seriously. Seriously.

Although...as a godmother sometimes I am also indispensable. Less often than their parents! But sometimes only Auntie Mrissa would do. (This is still true, but they express it differently as teenagers. It's all part of learning that people are not fungible, which is a great lesson.)

[kaberett]

The keyword I would be searching on is "regulation": emotional regulation, self-regulation. Those are cognitive skills that children need to learn, which is massively helped by having the adults present model it.