Tiny new person

[liv]

So my partners and metamour had a baby this week! It's very exciting, but also very weird because we are quarantined apart. I had been a bit nervous and a lot excited about forming a relationship with a child from birth (I suppose that was the case with my siblings, but the period when I was aged 2-6 doesn't count in quite the same way.) But now that's not really going to happen; I'm planning to carry on waving to her from 2m away, but babies don't bond to people who occasionally wave from 2m away.

There's no point being sad about no baby cuddles; I'm already properly sad about having to stay physically distanced from my actual partners and the middle two children whom I miss desperately. Family life during a a pandemic is weird, but that's hardly news.

I started spending extended time with her older siblings when they were 2 1/2 and 6 (now 8 and 11). The thing I found most difficult about interacting with younger children is how emotionally intense they are. Does anyone have any advice (from personal experience or theoretical knowledge) about how to cope when people you care about find every small setback or frustration devastatingly upsetting? It's something I want to do better this time. Note that I don't want advice on how to prevent small children from inconveniently expressing emotions around me, I just want to find better ways of handling my own feelings.

It's probably a skill worth learning in general, because with a terrifying global pandemic everybody is more emotionally on edge than usual. And of course it's something that all parents must manage somehow. I just... don't see it talked about a lot in eg parenting guides.

Comments

[rosefox]

Janet Lansbury talks a lot about this, if you're looking for a parenting guide/blogger to follow on the topic.

A thing that works for me is to separate the feeling from the urge to act on the feeling and then from the actual action, whether in me or in the child. So for a child that might look like:

- Something happened that I didn't like
- I feel MAD
- I want to show the world how mad I am
- I hit my parent

And in me it might look like:

- The baby is crying
- I feel anxious that something is wrong
- I want to make the crying stop so I don't feel so anxious
- I rush to offer a bottle

Or:

- My child is screaming about a dropped blueberry
- It's really stressing me out
- I want to make the screaming stop and express my stress
- I snap that no blueberry is worth this much agita, get a grip, kid

If that cycle can be interrupted at step one and the feeling can be identified as a feeling (so "I feel anxious about the baby crying" is actually the issue for me, not "the baby is crying"), then a calmer approach can be taken, starting with "Is there actually a problem here" and moving on to "How do I take a more considered action".

Improved paths made possible by this approach:

- Something happened that I didn't like
- I feel MAD
--- But I remember that sometimes the ways I express my anger can hurt people
--- I remember that my parents said to start by SAYING my feeling so they can help
--- I yell "I'M MAD"
--- My parents say "Wow, you sure are! Everyone feels mad sometimes, and you really didn't like that thing that happened. How can you express that safely? Do you want to go throw some stuffed animals?"
--- I throw stuffed animals and feel better

Or:

- The baby is crying
- I feel anxious that something is wrong
--- But I remember that my own feelings are all dialed up to 11 because being in charge of caring for a tiny baby is really super stressful for me
--- I remember that taking care of myself is the best way to take care of the baby, that ordinary crying isn't harmful or a sign that anything is badly wrong, and that staying calm and focusing on emotional connection is the best way to help both me and the baby feel better
--- I leave the baby in the crib for a minute, go put in ear plugs, and take a couple of calming breaths. I look at the food/sleep/diaper tracking app to see what the most likely cause of the distress is. Then I go back in and calmly, gently take care of the baby, talking to them about what I'm doing and letting myself feel the ways we're in relationship

Or:

- My child is screaming about a dropped blueberry
- it's really stressing me out
--- But I remember that my stress isn't my child's problem to deal with
--- I remember that staying calm, validating feelings, and establishing clear boundaries around behavior can de-escalate the situation and help us both feel better
--- I take a deep slow breath and say calmly "Wow, you're really upset about that blueberry. I do need you not to scream in the house. Once it falls on the floor it's not food anymore, but would you like me to get you some more blueberries?"
--- The child stops screaming and sniffles "no"
--- After further discussion, we hold a solemn blueberry funeral that's surprisingly meaningful for everyone

Is that useful?

[green_knight]

I don't need this skill but I'm filing it away in case it ever becomes relevant. That sounds like awesome parenting.

[serriadh]

Naming the child's emotions also comes up in How to Talk So (Little) Kids Listen and Listen so Kids Talk books. The idea is that part/most of the overwhelming frustration is the child doesn't really understand the emotion coursing through them and so "overreacts". My son is only 20 months but I have found that a certain amount of 'oh gosh you ARE cross. You're cross because you wanted to go into the kitchen and we can't do that now. That must be very cross-making' short-circuits my own frustration and distress at him being distressed. (Because he's not sad because the world is ending, though you'd think it was from his reaction.)

[rosefox]

Yes, I think those books come from a similar foundation to RIE-style "sportscasting". It turns out to be really useful for adults too, especially in a household full of fix-it types; when we all get in the habit of going "Ooof, that sounds really hard and upsetting" instead of (or at least before) trying to leap in with solutions, everyone feels much happier!

As far as I can tell, children are overstimulated all the time, as much by what's happening inside them as by things out in the world. Being a child in an adult world means constantly being confused and not understood and not accommodated even when you thought you were making a reasonable request. I'm autistic and I know those feelings and experiences extremely well. If I can remind myself of that, I can have a whole lot of patience and sympathy for the frustration of being in that situation.

[mrissa]

Yeah, "it's hard to be little" is a thing I say to myself a lot, because it really, really is. They're juggling learning literally everything at once.

[rosefox]

As a short person, I connect very strongly with children's experience of a world in which everything is the wrong size and/or out of reach.

[liv]

Wow, this is amazing, thank you so much. It's really actionable advice, and I love the specific examples which I can very much relate to, but also solemn blueberry funeral is very adorable. And thank you for the rec of someone to read who thinks about this stuff. But really, absolutely outstandingly helpful comment, I couldn't be more grateful.

[rosefox]

I'm so glad it's helpful!