Bar Kamtza AITA remix

[liv]

So lannamichaels wrote Am I the Asshole: Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. And I love it, but I think it could be more reddit-y. So I'm trying my hand at a remix, which is something I've never done before.

AITA if I pranked my frenemy's religion after he humiliated me in public?

Not to go into too many details or dredge up old drama, there's this guy who really hates me. I might have done something to piss him off, but anyway, it was years ago and he just ghosted me for basically no reason. So anyway, he invites me to a party, and I'm like, cool, maybe he's gonna give me a second chance after all?! But when I turned up he claimed it was a mistake, something about a deaf guy mishearing my name or some bullshit like that. He started up again with all that, I never want to speak to you again stuff. I was feeling really bummed, I hadn't even said anything, and he did invite me after all, why would he start something the moment I arrived? And there were all these important and cool people there, I knew they'd take his side if he started playing the victim over an old misunderstanding. I tried to save my reputation and prove what a nice guy I am by offering to pay for the whole party, but he got the bouncer to throw me out.

I have to admit I was pretty sore about that. So I came up with this great prank, and maybe I took it a bit too far but I was really embarrassed, you know? Thing is, this guy, who has always been a jerk to me honestly, claims to be super religious. I reckoned if I set him up, well, not him directly but his community, to make an unfit sacrifice, he would know how it feels to be humiliated in front of everybody. And honestly it was quite funny. You see, there's currently an army occupation of my country, NBD, they mostly just let us get on with our lives as long as we don't try to make trouble. So anyway, I go to some soldiers I sort of know in passing, and I drop hints that maybe some people are planning a revolt. I didn't name the dude directly, obviously that wouldn't be cool, but I say "they" have set up a secret signal about refusing to sacrifice an animal gifted by the occupiers.

Anyway long story short, the army send a sacrifice as a gift and I damage it so it doesn't quite fit the extremely detailed rules my religion has. And all the religious leaders have, like, a huge debate about it and decide they have to stick with the letter of the law. (Personally I think that was sort of OTT, but ok.) And then everything kicks off, I totally had no idea that was going to happen! But yeah, it seems like the army took me completely seriously when I said my people were planning a revolt, I didn't get a chance to explain it was just a harmless prank, they started killing people and burning everything. And, well, the most holy site of our religion got destroyed and quite a lot of people were killed and now everybody thinks it's my fault!

[Slightly more serious version of the story, in case you're wondering...]

Comments

[seekingferret]

This rocks.

[conuly]

Having read this and your summation of the original text, I can only say that, from an outsider's perspective, it's pretty obvious why nobody likes this guy or invites him to parties.

[rosefox]

It's reminding me a lot of other things that get posted to agonyaunt along the lines of "No one wants to be my friend, is it just because I've done these horrible things?"

[conuly]

"No one wants to be my friend, is it just because I've done these horrible things?"

Nah, can't be.

[liv]

Yeah, Bar Kamtza was absolutely a jerk. Lots of other A's in this story but wow, that guy. I was thinking of Issendai's "missing missing reasons"; the Talmud doesn't recount why Bar Kamtza and the host became enemies but, well. He comes across as very much the sort of bro who would SWAT someone for beating him in a video game.

[rosefox]

I love this.

Dear Captain Awkward

[liv]

I (he/him) used to be friends with this guy 'Grasshopper' (he/him). Honestly, it was more that he thought we were friends, and I felt sorry for him, because he finds it really difficult to navigate social situations. I eventually realized that every time I spent time with Grasshopper I ended up feeling worse, so I gave him an African Violet. He didn't really accept it, he kept coming back to argue with me why I should stay friends with him, guilt-tripping me, making up nonsense reasons like how my ride-or-die best friend 'Hopper' has a similar name so logically I ought to be friends with both of them. In the end I used my words and told Grasshopper bluntly that I didn't want to hear from him any more. I feel a bit bad for being so mean but nothing else was getting through to him. I blocked him everywhere, and I kept on asking all my other friends not to pass on any messages from him, and I thought everything was sorted.

Recently I was hosting a big event. Lots of really important people in my field were on the guest list, and I needed it to go perfectly and impress them so I could advance in my career. The problem is that Grasshopper showed up. It seems like someone in our who's less careful about security than I am passed on the invitation to him, or maybe he somehow got a message that was intended for Hopper due to the name similarity.

I was really scared of making a scene in front of all these influential people. But I just couldn't cope with Grasshopper ruining my big day, so I told him directly he wasn't welcome. He started arguing again, like he does, about how I should just let him stay, he wouldn't make any trouble, he would even pay for the costs of the event. I got security to throw him out. I spent the whole rest of the event worrying that the high-ups would think badly of me for being so rude, since they don't know the back story. They kept assuring me it was fine and I hadn't done anything wrong.

The problem is that Grasshopper got so upset that he reported me to the authorities. I don't quite know the details but it seems like he told them that me and some of the people at the event were planning an illegal protest. Protesting is really dangerous where I am, people can get arrested, jailed, tortured or even killed as a reprisal, even if they're not directly involved, just perceived as being part of the same ethnic group. Grasshopper has always boasted that he has 'influence' with the military, and he seems to have seeded a conspiracy theory that we were planning to reject a ceremonial gift and that was the signal to start a riot. Obviously gifts from the army come with strings attached, it's not safe to just politely refuse them with the political situation as it is.

Well, just this week the army sent us an animal for sacrifice that isn't suitable (I know some people aren't ok with animal sacrifice, I don't really want to debate that issue right now). If what everybody is reporting about Grasshopper is right, refusing the gift is going to mean big trouble and possibly a lot of people getting hurt. But it's against our religion to sacrifice a flawed animal, and I dunno, maybe Grasshopper is just boasting and he can't really persuade the army to move against us just because he told a story. I have a feeling they're just waiting for an excuse though.

Do you have any script I could use to try to persuade the elders to make an exception just this once and accept the animal? Or maybe if I tell Grasshopper I'm willing to try being friends again he'll tell his army contacts that it was all a misunderstanding and we're not planning any action against the regime?

- Reluctant Host