Bi visibility day is tomorrow
Sep. 22nd, 2010 09:58 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
livSo I'm going to angst about it. I didn't go to Bicon this year. I sort of planned to, and it would've been a good year to do it, given that I had both time and money, and I was in the right country, but then I chickened out.
Partly it's that I feel not pretty enough for Bicon. No, not exactly not pretty, that's not the right word. I'm intimidated by all the reports of amazing costumes; I would have no idea where to begin with that sort of thing, and besides I don't feel comfortable dressing up sexy and being on display navigating environments where a lot of people are aiming to get laid. But I know there's stuff going on at Bicon which isn't connected to that kind of scene, and I have lots of friends and connections who are regulars.
No, the main thing that made me hesitate (and eventually decide that I would spend that nominal pot of money on Eastercon and the Open Talmud Project instead) was that I'm really conflicted about the whole bi thing. I simultaneously want to identify as Queer and be part of the scene and get involved in at least some low-key activism and community stuff, and I want the gender of the people I happen to be attracted to not to matter. I've never quite settled on whether I want to define myself as bi. I mean, if someone happens to ask, then I'm in no way closeted, but I vacillate about whether that's who I fundamentally am, or whether it's just an incidental fact about me.
Partly it's that, well, I'm in an increasingly serious-looking relationship with a man. Now, on one level that doesn't make any difference, my relationship status right now doesn't say anything about my intrinsic sexuality. I know that part of the reason the bi scene even exists at all is to provide an alternative to some of the queerness policing that can go on in the mainstream gay community. Politically, yes, I very much agree with the idea that people with fairly conventional gender presentation in a relationship with someone of the opposite standard gender are still Queer if that's who they are. At the same time, though, I can hardly deny that I have a ton of passing privilege. Nobody reads me as Queer unless I choose to specifically tell them about it, and I can't help being aware that that fact makes my life a great deal easier. And I don't at all want to appropriate an experience I don't really share. Still, I've written before about the fact that passing and invisibilty aren't always without cost.
I've found myself conflicted about Pride and other Queer events in a similar way; I want to participate and be part of the community, and support a cause I believe in. But then I remember very well how incredibly treasured and rare Queer space was when I was in a same-sex relationship. It's very hard to explain; it's not that I think anyone would have a problem with me being present, (and if they did they'd be biphobic bigots anyway). It's just that, well, if 99% of your life is lived in situations where holding hands with your partner is a political decision and risks attracting hostility, and you get this rare opportunity to experience a context where same-sex affection is entirely normal, and some opposite sex couple, who can hold hands and kiss and canoodle in public and mention their relationship all the time, come along and want to join in the fun, there's something a bit off. This is even more true for people who don't fit gender norms, because for them, the problem is not having to hide their relationship, but that their actual existence is an issue for a proportion of people they encounter. I have a perfect right to take part in Queer events, that is clear, but the question is whether it's morally good for me to exercise that right.
Part of it is, I think, that I'm nervous about confirming biphobic stereotypes. It's easy to dismiss me as BUG, because my major serious relationship with a woman took place while I was at university. And basically, I've dated and been involved with men since then. This isn't at all from conscious choice, but because several of those relationships have lasted long enough that I wasn't available to date women anyway, and because I seem to be more attractive to men than women in general (not more attracted, just that very few women fancy me, and I think that's partly to do with the fact that I read as straight, but I'm not particularly gorgeous or femme either), and of course the perennial problem that there are a lot more straight men than Queer women in the world. Anyway I shouldn't have to justify this, but the point is it's easy for a homophobic straight person to think that my bisexuality was just a phase, or for a biphobic gay person to think that I was just pretending to be bi to look cool while in a relatively safe environment! Similarly, if I have a slight exhibitionist streak, so enjoy the idea of attractive people watching me with a partner, and I sometimes entertain threesome fantasies, I feel I have to defend myself from the potential charge that I'm just putting on a show for men.
And this has all been thrown into relief because, for the first time in 8 years, I have met some women with whom there is a degree of mutual attraction and at least some possibility of acting on it. These things may of course come to nothing, but considering potential connections with specific people is very different from considering the question in the abstract. If do end up getting involved with these people, or indeed anyone else, I'll suddenly be much more visibly Queer, and be back in the situation where I am constantly deciding just how open I can afford to be about my relationship status. Of course, there's another bi stereotype against me here: a lot of bi activism is about convincing the world at large that it's perfectly possible to be bi and monogamous, so if I go around dating several people at once, I'm in trouble from all sides. From conservative people who may well disapprove of any kind of Queer relationship, from people who are able to accept same-sex relationships as long as they're exactly otherwise indistinguishable from heterosexual, pair-bonded, monogamous, respectable, marriage-like relationships but may have a problem with poly, from people who need to convince the world that bisexuality doesn't equal infidelity (and probably from people who are way, way more Queer than me who don't want me on their bandwagon).
Also, well, it's not only a question of, do I want to stick my neck out and be noticeably Queer. It's a question of whether I want to form deep connections with some very wonderful people. I don't want to close off those possibilities because some people don't approve of same-sex relationships, and some people don't approve of multiple relationships existing simultaneously!
I've been party to some discussions recently, where people who really can't pass express real hurt at people like me who kind of expect to have our cake and eat it. I mean, I can definitely see it that way, I get the social approbation of being cis, and being in a visible, possibly long-term relationship with a man (this gets even worse if we end up making a formal commitment), but I also want to enjoy the creativity of the Queer subculture, and the freedom to have several partners. I sort of don't care about people disapproving of me because they have rigid, prescriptive ideas about how people should do relationships; I do care about potentially hurting other Queer people and accidentally making their life harder.
I should probably stop trying to overthink this, shouldn't I?
Partly it's that I feel not pretty enough for Bicon. No, not exactly not pretty, that's not the right word. I'm intimidated by all the reports of amazing costumes; I would have no idea where to begin with that sort of thing, and besides I don't feel comfortable dressing up sexy and being on display navigating environments where a lot of people are aiming to get laid. But I know there's stuff going on at Bicon which isn't connected to that kind of scene, and I have lots of friends and connections who are regulars.
No, the main thing that made me hesitate (and eventually decide that I would spend that nominal pot of money on Eastercon and the Open Talmud Project instead) was that I'm really conflicted about the whole bi thing. I simultaneously want to identify as Queer and be part of the scene and get involved in at least some low-key activism and community stuff, and I want the gender of the people I happen to be attracted to not to matter. I've never quite settled on whether I want to define myself as bi. I mean, if someone happens to ask, then I'm in no way closeted, but I vacillate about whether that's who I fundamentally am, or whether it's just an incidental fact about me.
Partly it's that, well, I'm in an increasingly serious-looking relationship with a man. Now, on one level that doesn't make any difference, my relationship status right now doesn't say anything about my intrinsic sexuality. I know that part of the reason the bi scene even exists at all is to provide an alternative to some of the queerness policing that can go on in the mainstream gay community. Politically, yes, I very much agree with the idea that people with fairly conventional gender presentation in a relationship with someone of the opposite standard gender are still Queer if that's who they are. At the same time, though, I can hardly deny that I have a ton of passing privilege. Nobody reads me as Queer unless I choose to specifically tell them about it, and I can't help being aware that that fact makes my life a great deal easier. And I don't at all want to appropriate an experience I don't really share. Still, I've written before about the fact that passing and invisibilty aren't always without cost.
I've found myself conflicted about Pride and other Queer events in a similar way; I want to participate and be part of the community, and support a cause I believe in. But then I remember very well how incredibly treasured and rare Queer space was when I was in a same-sex relationship. It's very hard to explain; it's not that I think anyone would have a problem with me being present, (and if they did they'd be biphobic bigots anyway). It's just that, well, if 99% of your life is lived in situations where holding hands with your partner is a political decision and risks attracting hostility, and you get this rare opportunity to experience a context where same-sex affection is entirely normal, and some opposite sex couple, who can hold hands and kiss and canoodle in public and mention their relationship all the time, come along and want to join in the fun, there's something a bit off. This is even more true for people who don't fit gender norms, because for them, the problem is not having to hide their relationship, but that their actual existence is an issue for a proportion of people they encounter. I have a perfect right to take part in Queer events, that is clear, but the question is whether it's morally good for me to exercise that right.
Part of it is, I think, that I'm nervous about confirming biphobic stereotypes. It's easy to dismiss me as BUG, because my major serious relationship with a woman took place while I was at university. And basically, I've dated and been involved with men since then. This isn't at all from conscious choice, but because several of those relationships have lasted long enough that I wasn't available to date women anyway, and because I seem to be more attractive to men than women in general (not more attracted, just that very few women fancy me, and I think that's partly to do with the fact that I read as straight, but I'm not particularly gorgeous or femme either), and of course the perennial problem that there are a lot more straight men than Queer women in the world. Anyway I shouldn't have to justify this, but the point is it's easy for a homophobic straight person to think that my bisexuality was just a phase, or for a biphobic gay person to think that I was just pretending to be bi to look cool while in a relatively safe environment! Similarly, if I have a slight exhibitionist streak, so enjoy the idea of attractive people watching me with a partner, and I sometimes entertain threesome fantasies, I feel I have to defend myself from the potential charge that I'm just putting on a show for men.
And this has all been thrown into relief because, for the first time in 8 years, I have met some women with whom there is a degree of mutual attraction and at least some possibility of acting on it. These things may of course come to nothing, but considering potential connections with specific people is very different from considering the question in the abstract. If do end up getting involved with these people, or indeed anyone else, I'll suddenly be much more visibly Queer, and be back in the situation where I am constantly deciding just how open I can afford to be about my relationship status. Of course, there's another bi stereotype against me here: a lot of bi activism is about convincing the world at large that it's perfectly possible to be bi and monogamous, so if I go around dating several people at once, I'm in trouble from all sides. From conservative people who may well disapprove of any kind of Queer relationship, from people who are able to accept same-sex relationships as long as they're exactly otherwise indistinguishable from heterosexual, pair-bonded, monogamous, respectable, marriage-like relationships but may have a problem with poly, from people who need to convince the world that bisexuality doesn't equal infidelity (and probably from people who are way, way more Queer than me who don't want me on their bandwagon).
Also, well, it's not only a question of, do I want to stick my neck out and be noticeably Queer. It's a question of whether I want to form deep connections with some very wonderful people. I don't want to close off those possibilities because some people don't approve of same-sex relationships, and some people don't approve of multiple relationships existing simultaneously!
I've been party to some discussions recently, where people who really can't pass express real hurt at people like me who kind of expect to have our cake and eat it. I mean, I can definitely see it that way, I get the social approbation of being cis, and being in a visible, possibly long-term relationship with a man (this gets even worse if we end up making a formal commitment), but I also want to enjoy the creativity of the Queer subculture, and the freedom to have several partners. I sort of don't care about people disapproving of me because they have rigid, prescriptive ideas about how people should do relationships; I do care about potentially hurting other Queer people and accidentally making their life harder.
I should probably stop trying to overthink this, shouldn't I?
(no subject)
Date: 2010-09-24 11:45 am (UTC)