Tiny new person

[liv]

So my partners and metamour had a baby this week! It's very exciting, but also very weird because we are quarantined apart. I had been a bit nervous and a lot excited about forming a relationship with a child from birth (I suppose that was the case with my siblings, but the period when I was aged 2-6 doesn't count in quite the same way.) But now that's not really going to happen; I'm planning to carry on waving to her from 2m away, but babies don't bond to people who occasionally wave from 2m away.

There's no point being sad about no baby cuddles; I'm already properly sad about having to stay physically distanced from my actual partners and the middle two children whom I miss desperately. Family life during a a pandemic is weird, but that's hardly news.

I started spending extended time with her older siblings when they were 2 1/2 and 6 (now 8 and 11). The thing I found most difficult about interacting with younger children is how emotionally intense they are. Does anyone have any advice (from personal experience or theoretical knowledge) about how to cope when people you care about find every small setback or frustration devastatingly upsetting? It's something I want to do better this time. Note that I don't want advice on how to prevent small children from inconveniently expressing emotions around me, I just want to find better ways of handling my own feelings.

It's probably a skill worth learning in general, because with a terrifying global pandemic everybody is more emotionally on edge than usual. And of course it's something that all parents must manage somehow. I just... don't see it talked about a lot in eg parenting guides.

Comments

[liv]

The second half but not the first. It is difficult for me to be around distressed people (occasionally is fine, I can attend a funeral without falling apart, but when it's multiple times a day every day it's really wearing), but that's not a consequence of feeling I should do something to help. I know that there are times when you should in fact do something to help a distressed child and there are other times when you should back off. I can do either of those, I don't always judge completely right but the compulsion to find a remedy isn't the thing that makes intense distress difficult for me. In fact, if the child is crying because they want something, and I can provide it, and then they calm down, that's generally a happy experience as far as I'm concerned.

It's that if someone is screaming and completely out of control, my very strong instinct is to withdraw emotionally. I don't at all want to be in connection with a person who's massively upset, and I know that being present and keeping a strong connection is really important for children, but I find I'm constantly fighting my self-protection instincts. And I find that if I make myself stay present, I end up returning mentally to the situation a great deal, worrying about what I did to cause the distress, worrying that in general I'm not handling the relationship well and that's why they get so upset by minor difficulties, even worrying that being part of the child's life at all is harming them.

[antisoppist]

A friend once told me to think of my children's moods as "weather". I'm not sure this is right all the time, but it did help me stop feeling I was responsible for everyone's sometimes contradictory emotions and fixing them all every moment of the day.

[rosefox]

So... I think a key thing for that element of it is to remember that "stay present" doesn't mean "have no boundaries" or "be purely vulnerable" or "let the child hurt you because anything else is unsupportive/inauthentic". You can stay present while moving away from the flailing arms, or gently restraining them and saying "I won't let you hit me/yourself". You can stay present with ear plugs in—not muting the screaming so you can ignore it, but dialing it down so you can tolerate it. Once a child's a little older, you can stay present while saying "No screaming in the house" or "No throwing hard toys".

When adults are purely permissive, children can panic because they feel unsupported or like they're being asked to be in charge; that makes the emotional storm worse. Expressing empathy for feelings while clarifying the limits of acceptable/safe behavior is a thing you do for children, not to them. When a child's in a crib, they can kick and scream while feeling confident that they're not in danger and not hurting anyone. Setting boundaries is like being the crib, the container that creates safety.

And speaking of which, if you feel yourself really losing your ability to be around the screaming child, you can always put the child somewhere safe—in a crib or strapped into a car seat when small, in their room at an older age, or in the care of another adult—and step back to take care of yourself. This is the #1 tool in every exhausted, overwrought parent's toolbox. (At the hospital where X gave birth, they literally taught it to us in the maternity ward.) If your choices are flying off the handle or walking away, walking away is the better one. The child may be upset about you doing it, but it won't harm them, psychologically or physically. If you need to not be around the outburst, ensure the child's basic safety and get yourself out of there.

Absolutely no personal slight is intended by this advice; it sounds to me like you put a great deal of thought and effort into being safe for the children you care for. But what you're describing—forcing yourself to be present for a child's emotional explosion in a way that leaves you really shaken up and upset for a while after—sounds relatively safe for the child but isn't safe for you, which is just as important. I want to make sure you know it's okay to value and prioritize your safety in this respect.

If your worries stem from a situation in your past where you were very vulnerable around someone who was completely out of control and dangerous, it may help to practice reminding yourself that that was then and this is now, you're older and stronger and safe, and a small child has very little ability to hurt you. Janet Lansbury and Elisabeth Corey have some smart words about parenting while triggered that may be useful. (Warning on that post for mentions of child abuse.)